Small, Hard Steps

A part of grief is where you reorganize into your "new" life. Slowly, over the past eight weeks, I've made some adjustments.

I don't wake up early enough to give her a bath and get her ready.
I don't turn left at the light to drop her off off at school.
I don't pick her up after I get out of class.
I don't have a car seat in my backseat. It's in the trunk.
I don't order her a meal at the restaurant.
I don't turn the lights off to rock her to sleep.
And now...I don't have a bed to put her inside of once she's asleep.

Yesterday, I spent several hours cleaning our bedroom and taking down A's bed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it, but I told myself if it was too emotional once it was said and done, I could always put it back together.

I washed the walls with soap and water. I washed her bed with soap and water. I repositioned our bed some. I piled a tub full of the dirty clean? laundry together. I washed our sheets. I wiped down the TV with a really wet rag and electrocuted myself. My thumb still hurts and has a mark. I also rearranged some mirrors I had stored in the corner of the room. We're not allowed to hang things on the walls, so I just have them propped up.

I now have a pile of dirty (clean?) laundry to wash and put away, as well as a pile of toys to put into a bin. Then it will be completely done.

I was a little shocked at my reaction once it was done. I thought I would have a gut-wrenching moment, my chest was tight just thinking about everything, but I actually had the sense of a heavy weight lifted off of me. The room suddenly felt lighter, but not in a "in your face, the baby is gone" type of way.

I didn't sleep the whole night though and I did wake up a lot, but I think with a little bit more time, I will adjust.

If she comes back tomorrow, I wouldn't hesitate to pull that bed right back out!

I miss her like you wouldn't believe, and I still can't wrap my head around her never living with us again, but I'm making small, hard, but necessary changes.