First Session of Therapy

I had my first meeting at the school therapist yesterday. She said we would take it visit by visit, but if I appeared to need more than let's say, five or six visits, they may discuss referring me out to a more long term therapist.

Our first meeting was pretty much just me painting the picture for her. I talked a little bit about my current situation with the custody case, then I went back to my childhood and worked my way back to the situation with my sister last year and then the custody case again. She acknowledged I had been through a lot. She told me I was doing the right thing by coming in before things got "too much" for me to handle. Having talked to me just for one visit, she seems to think I am really just grieving more than I am actually depressed, which is a good thing. It kind of means I'm catching it early enough if you will.

She gave me a few sheets on grief, self care, and even some information on a breathing technique she wants me to try to do 10 times a day. Basically, you lean back in a chair a little bit, or if you are in a bed, lie on your back and prop your legs like a triangle. Then you place both hands on your abdomen and close your eyes. You take a deep breath in, as if you are inflating a balloon under your hands, and slowly breath out. You do this for three times and each time clear your mind.

I have another appointment next week where we will dive more into my issues with the custody case and that of being a product of an additive, abusive childhood. I'm glad I went. The lady was very nice.

Happy 27th Birthday To Me!

Today is my birthday. It's not going to be as happy as I wish it was because this will be the first birthday I will celebrate without A. It's also the first time I will be celebrating my birthday since my family and I stopped talking to each other. It won't be all for nothing though. I was born a premature baby who had to fight from the beginning and I've been through a lot since.

NYEBoy and I will be going to dinner here and I hope to blow out my candle in a red velvet cupcake from here.

Word to the wise, if your spouse doesn't answer his phone for a few hours the day before your birthday, it's probably because he's shopping for your birthday. Let's all just hope the freak out was worth one of these, in pink, please.

Also? My mother may or may not be receiving a text message from me at the exact time I was born saying "27 years ago, at the very moment, I was coming out of your vagina!" and I may or may not do it again, except I would change the 27 to 26 and I to my brother. Happy Birthday to me and my brother! Bastard tried to steal the show when he was born on my first birthday, but I'm still the party!

I also share my birthday with the blogger whose daughter I'm doing the painting for. Go give her a cupcake, too!

Painting Again

I pulled out the paint brush for the first time since October last night. I haven't had a lot of time to paint since I've been so busy with school and the custody case over the past few months, but I finally decided to make a little time last night.



I still have a little bit more to do before I can share the whole painting, but I'm glad I pulled out the paint and brushes. I really should do this more often. It's so relaxing.

Maybe one of these days I'll even get around to putting the trim on Katie's painting I did for Austin and mail it to her. He'll probably be well into college by then, but that's okay. Right?

Time To Take Care of Me

I've always been one to take care of everyone else and leaving myself last. But, I've come to realize it's time to take care of me for a little bit, and that's okay, too.

I made an appointment for Wednesday to see a therapist. The reason I went with someone at school was because they offer it free to students and I don't have insurance and quite frankly don't want to spend the money on one. If it doesn't appear to be helping, I'll readjust my thinking on this.

Can I tell you a secret? I've been wearing the same 30-day contacts since August 2008. Yes, I KNOW! Horrible. In my defense, when I had health, dental, and eye insurance through work, I took advantage of it. Since then, meh, not so much. I'm going to make an appointment to get my eyes checked and to get me some new contacts. I'm long overdue.

Also, I have been having an ongoing medical issue that I need to take care of that I have been putting off. Actually, I went to the doctor for it a year and a half ago, but when the medicine made me ill, I didn't go back. Well, I'm going to go pay out of pocket to get another medication. I'm also due for my pap soon, so I'm going to look into getting one of those too. I wish I could get a complete physical, especially since I know I need one, but I just don't have the extra money right now. And then if anything is wrong, then what? If I can barely afford the physical, there is no way I can afford ongoing care. Hopefully nothing major will happen before I can get on student health insurance at the University in a year. (My school doesn't offer it.)

Thanks for your emails, comments, and texts with support. You're all the best. Seriously. Better than my family. Score one for the internetz!

Seeking Help

I'm surviving, but only barely. I can feel myself slipping into that deep hole of depression, no matter how much I try to ignore it. It's becoming more clear each week. The past three weeks, I have really been struggling in the sleep department, even more so than usual.

I've noticed all over school they have newsletters posted on walls for people who may need to seek mental health services. I think it's time I make the call. With my family back home reading my blog now, I can't express my real feelings on things and it's pitting up anger and fustrationg like you wouldn't believe.

I'm not suicidal, but I just have a lot of pit up emotions about everything. I don't want to talk to NYEBoy about my feelings because I can't handle him being sad, too. And since I can't blog my full feelings nor do I have anyone to really talk to right now, I need to find a verbal outlet.

I hope someone can see me this week, preferably tomorrow or Tuesday since my birthday is the day after, and let's face it, who wants to spend any time in therapy on their birthday? Not me.

Should We Stay or Should We Go Now

It's that time of year again, when I get the itch to move. We were never supposed to stay in this place as long as we have. I have been ready to move since shortly after we moved in here. But, we've needed the space, the price was right, and the school was going to be perfect for A. All of this led to us staying here this long. With it just being us now, and no schools to worry about other than ours, we're both ready to move.

We're at the half way point in our time here in TaIIahassee. We've been here three years this Fall and we have about three, maybe four, more years to go before we both graduate and move out of state. I feel like if we don't move this year, we will end up staying here for the rest of our time here, because what's the point for only moving for a year or two.

Having said all of this, the thought of doing the most of the packing and moving while attending school fulltime is enough to send me over the edge. (I love NYEBoy, but he won't help much even if he says he will.) And even before that, the thought of searching the listings and going to see place after place is exhausting as well.

We did go driving around a few weeks ago and found an apartment that was really nice. The only downside is that it's a 50% increase in our monthly rent compared to what we are paying now. We can afford it, but it is still a pretty big, noticeable increase. As well, it's even further away from our schools, mine specifically. Having said that, I'm only going to be at my school one more year before NYEBoy and I are both at the same University, so that's something to think about. For now, it's my second to last option, with the last option being staying where we are.

We're also in a struggle that some places are ready now and some places aren't until or lease is up. The problem with having to wait until August is that everyone in their brother will be moving then. I would love to be able to get out of our lease if we could find the place and get it okay'd with out leasing management, but I'm not sure if either are possible. The other downside is that I will be going to BlogHer and that's the same weekend everyone is moving. So I'll either be faced with it moving right before or as soon as I get back. It just sounds so exhausting.

I'm not sure what's going to happen, but we're looking anyway. I've made us an appointment to go see a place this Sunday. Of course it's availble now, so if we like it, we have issues to deal with, but whatever. If it's meant to be, it will be, or something like that.

I Can't Tell Her

I have classes Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays this semester. It also usually means at least twice a week, I stop by Chickfila for chick-n-minis and a large sweet tea. A and I would often go after dropping NYEBoy and K off last school year, too. I would get a four count number two with a large sweet tea and a chocolate milk. A would get the hash browns, chocolate milk, and I would get the chick-n-minis and sweet tea. Occasionally she would want a chick-n-mini, too, or even better yet, if she really was feeling fancy, she'd ask for a sausage biscuit. (For the record, this wasn't her breakfast, it was more of a treat. She ate healthier for her main breakfast. lol)

Having done this routine, or a version of it, the lady at the drive-thru always talked to A. She would call her "my baby." "How's my baby today?" she would ask. Well, after A started going to school last Fall, she typically didn't go with me as much because her school is in the other direction. Noting the empty car seat, the lady would often ask how A was. I would tell her she was at school and she would politely say she missed her.

I hadn't seen that lady at the drive-thru much over the past few weeks since A has gone back, until last week. She said good morning to me then looked in the back window and asked where 'her' baby was. It was then that I remembered she was someone in our daily routine who I didn't talk to about the custody case or the outcome, because there really isn't much time to have those discussions in such a short amount of time.

I didn't know what to say to her. How do you explain something like that in such a short amount of time? So as my heart sank, I faked a smile and told her she was at school. She sighed and told me she missed her. I miss her too. I wish she was at school. She's supposed to be at school. But, she's not.

I don't know what to tell the lady in the drive-thru line, or even how to tell her. Truthfully? I don't want to tell anyone else she's gone. I want her here. I miss her like crazy.

Happy 3rd Birthday Maddy

Matt Logelin's Maddy turns 3 today. If you feel so inclined, please take this time to go donate $3 (or more!) to the Liz Logelin Foundation that was set up in her mother's honor after she passed away 27 hours after giving birth to her. If you haven't heard of Matt and his story, please go check out his blog. His book comes out next month and I can hardly way to read it.

If you make a donation of $3 or more today, come back and leave me a comment. I'll pick three commenters and make an additional $3 donation in their name. You can donate through Network For Good (10$ minimum donation), Paypal (no minimum donation, or by good old fashioned snail mail (also no minimum).

the liz logelin foundation
po box 26366
saint louis park, mn 5542

Questions? Too Bad!

I did something today I've never done before. After class, I had a question about something I wasn't quite sure about, so I went to my professors office during his office hours.

I sort of understood what he was asking, but wasn't completely sure. I pulled out my outline and pointed to the area I was confused about and he refused to help. His response? "I'm not going over that. I spec you to already know this from the last test."

Ok. I get it. I don't know it and probably should, but REALLY?! You're going to turn down a student who is eager to learn?

Yeah, that's going to make me want to attend your class and participate!

Not.

Khan Academy Help

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Khan Academy.

If you haven't heard about Sal Khan before and even if you have, please watch him on TED.



As most of you know, I'm going to school to be a Math teacher. Hopefully in a few years I'll not only have my Bachelor's, but maybe even my Master's in mathematics. I hope I make a difference in students lives just like Sal has*. He's amazing.


(Okay, I probably won't be as awesome as he is, but he sure inspires me to want to be as best of a teacher as he is.)

Not As I Planned

This semester I obviously had more bumps in the road than I had last semester. Although things were emotionally challenging last semester, this semester brought on new challenges of its own, specifically, a final decision in the custody case. I knew it was going to come at a cost of my grades for sure. I struggled with the balance of spending as much time with A as I could, while not demolishing my grades too much in the process. It's a fine line, that GPA thing.

With only five more weeks left in this semester, and only four more classes to take finals for, the rush is on. It's the time of semester were students decide if a D or a withdrawal is going to hurt worse. In the end, we each have to wrestle with the decisions we made. Were all the parties worth it? Or in my case, missing several crucial classes in order to soak up those last few memories?

Personally, I can say yes. I'm not going to make straight A's this semester, or even all A's and a B like I did last semester. Having said that, I'm not too far off. I'm pretty sure I will be making three A's and two B's. And honestly? I didn't do that good in high school, much less in college during such a life changing time. So, I'll take it.

I have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, I wish I could have spent more time with A, but then again, there is never enough time to fill the void she has left. Instead, I press on, I study hard, I try my best not to procrastinate, and do the best I can under the circumstances.

OMG We Have No Kids!

NYEBoy and I went on a double date last night. We've done this before. Usually K would babysit A while we went or on my brother's case, we just came home after our main date. Last night we went bowling for a few hours with NYEBoy's friend and his girlfriend. We had a blast. I'm not going to lie. I haven't been on a double date in a long time. Usually if we go on a date with any of my friends, NYEBoy acts like a stick in the mud and I usually feel bad for having fun. But, since there was another person there 'on his level' (IE: Not me. Ha.) he losened up and talked about geek stuff with the other guy, while his girlfriend and I talked about other things.

After we left, they invited us back to her house. I got in the car and the first thing I said was "OMG We have no kids to go home too!" That was the last I said of it because I didn't want it to ruin the night. Instead I drank my greif away. On sips of wine. After large amounts of beer.

We finally made it home around 4 am. I woke up a little before 10 and the room was still moving so I took my blanket and pillow and headed to the couch where I laid after I took three Advil and drank a Sprite. I sent my girlfriend a text telling her I was hungover from hell and doubted I would be able to make our plans to go to the beach today, and crashed again.

I woke up to her texting me. Apparently my text never went through. Of course not. Thats how my life rolls. This is the second weekend in a row I've made plans with her and canceled. Last weekend my depression kept me up all night and I couldn't sleep. This weekend I tried to have fun and got too drunk. One of these days I'll get it right.

Home of Two

For the first time in nearly two years, we're a home of two for the foreseeable. future. My brother just left for 0rlando where he starts a new job on Monday. I'm glad he was here shortly after A left. I think her absence would have been felt even more had he not come down.

Now it's just NYEBoy and I.

In a way, I'm thankful because now I don't have to hear about how much shit is in my house that I need to get rid of or how NYEBoy is going to leave me one day because I'm so bitchy. We can eat out for dinner without someone making us feel guilty. I don't have to clean my house perfectly. I can sleep until 1 if I want.

I love my brother, but he's so judgemental and as a brother, feels it's his duty to drive his (older) sister insane any chance he can.

Having said that, our home is open to him any time he needs it. He could change his mind and turn around right now and we would take him back. We're family like that.

I hope he's able to get on the track in life that he wants to be in.

Going Back

The Monday after A was gone, I had the instinctial urge to turn my car to the left to drop A her off, except, I couldn't. She wasn't there to drop off. Oh, how I would love to have to drop her off every day still.

Something in me told me to go there this afternoon. I couldn't put it off any longer. I don't know if I was expecting to 'feel' her or what, but I just had to go.

I spent thirty minutes talking to her teacher. She asked about A and I told her what I knew. She told me her and the other teacher have been wanting to call me, but weren't really sure what to say. I can tell she misses A deeply.

A has missed out on so much already. They had a field trip and another party. One of her classmates has even left for a few months to go to another country.

I was glad I went. I'm even planning to go back soon to go see the other teacher.

I miss them. I miss her. They miss her, too.

Spring Shopping

There's just something about the weather changing that makes me want to go clothes shopping. Whether it be winter into spring or summer into fall, the subtle changes in the temperatures make my closet doors groan for a change.

Typically, I tend to head over to Old Navy for some cheap retail therapy. Right before Spring Break started, I knew it was time to go shopping. But, when I went all into depression mode, I didn't have the urge to get dressed, much less go shopping. On Sunday evening, NYEBoy and I stopped by Old Navy on the way to dinner. They were closing within a few minutes, so I didn't have long to look for something to wear, but I grabbed a pair of glasses and a shirt and told myself I would be back later that week. I had wanted to go back on Monday, but something told me to wait. Well, Monday night I got an email about a sale going on at Old Navy later this week. It was just what I needed.

For a few days, you can visit the site here to pick which company you want to get 5% of your purchase. You'll also save 30% at several places, including Old Navy, Gap, and Banana Republic. Since I'm going to school to be a teacher, I delegated my 5% to go to TeachForAmerica.

What's better than saving money while you're sprucing up your closet? Giving, too!

I ended up getting eight things plus a pair of sandles for my brother for $85 after my discount. Not too shabby. I even bought myself a dress, which I intend on wearing as soon as I can get my hands on some white leggings. I'm not that brave yet. Ha.

Steady Pace

Things have finally started to slow down at school. It's more of a steady pace instead of always feeling like I am trying to catch up. It feels better this way. I'm more relaxed and not having to feel like I always have to cram for just.one.more.thing.

I did purchase a planner to help me keep up with my upcoming projects, papers, homework, and tests. This way it can't creep up on me too fast. In fact, I've gone ahead and finished the rest of the homework and extra credit in three of my four classes for the rest of the semester. (The fourth class doesn't have any homework.)

The only big thing I am slightly struggling with, but I think I'm starting to get a handle on in studying for the tests. For whatever reason, I can't seem to get my shit together before the day or two before a test is due. It drives me insane when I get back a low A or B and know if I had just put in that much more effort, I could have done even better.

I'll figure it out though, just in time for this semester to end and the next one to begin. I'm sure. Speaking of next semester. We register for classes in just over a week. Classes end the last week of April, then the next semester starts a week after that. I'm almost 2/3rds the way through my first full year of college. Craziness.

Beach Time

I promised my brother we would go to the beach today since I someone overslept Sunday and I don't have school on Tuesdays (or Thursdays!). We dropped NYEBoy off at school and headed down south. Instead of driving all the way to St. George Island like we normally do, we stopped off about an hour away on a road side beach thing. We even brought my brother's dog, Bear.

I was sad A wasn't there. She would have loved it. She would have ran along the shoreline with Bear. She would have played in the sand. She would have chassed after the seagulls. She would have loved eating shrimp at the diner we stopped at on the way home.

All of these would haves, should be, but they aren't.

I wrote her name in the sand and watched the tide wash it away.

Hopefully I'll have another chance to take her back to the beach one day.

I know she'd love it.

A Little Pick Me Up

We didn't end up going to the beach yesterday because I someone couldn't sleep and over slept once they finally did fall asleep. I knew I needed to do something for me though after a rough week at home last week. I decided on a pedicure.

I love pedicures. I usually only get a few a year, but when I do get them, I feel like a whole new woman. There's just something about resting your feet in hot water with jets going on them and then someone massaging your legs and feet and doing your toe nails. If you've never had a pedicure, please go get one. It's the best $20-30 you'll ever spend on yourself.

While I was sitting there getting my pedicure, I realized that although my feet felt great, my hands looked worn out even more. I secretly wanted a manicure now, too! But, I didn't want to spend too much, so I decided not to get one. After I was done, though, the lady asked if I wanted to get my nails done, too, and before I could think, yes flew out of my mouth.

I've never had a manicure by itself. I've always gone to get faux nails when I've decided to do my nails, but I knew I didn't want that this time, so I just opted for a manicure. It wasn't nearly as relaxing as the pedicure, but now my fingers look awesome. While I was getting my nails done, the lady asked if I wanted to get my brows done, too. I haven't had them done in forever, but I knew they needed it too. So, I said sure.

As she was putting the melted wax along my brow line, I felt like there was going to be nothing left. And I was almost right. She took off a ton of them, but it actually looks really nice.

I was nervous about how much the total was going to be, but I didn't really care. I felt amazing. I felt beautiful. For my manicure, pedicure, and brow waxing, with tip, was only $50. Seriously? The cherry on top, for sure. I think I will try to do this once a month or so. I need to treat myself more often than I do.

Speaking of getting my nails done, have you ever seen this?



It always cracks me up.

Happy Monday!

Time For A Change

Speaking of time for a change, don't forget the time changed last night-forward. Spring forward, fall back, member?! Yay! Now people can stop asking me if it's really THAT late. What? You changed your non-digital clocks last fall? Meh. I didn't. I figured it was best to fuck with people for a few months.

I've been to church every Sunday since the new year began, except the one Sunday we were sick, but after spending the week all depressed, my brother and I are heading to the beach tomorrow today. NYEBoy and I had a tiff last night for a few hours. He was mad because I didn't want to go anywhere. He didn't understand why I was acting the way I was. Inside I felt like Goldie Hawn did in Overboard where she didn't want to do anything and finally Kurt Russell picked her ass up and threw her in the water. I haven't done shit all week. Including shower. So when my brother suggested we go to the beach tomorrow today, I knew I should go. I even invited my girlfriend to go with us.

I hope I enjoy myself. I know the water will be too cold to do anything in, but just walking along the shore will be a nice reprieve. This will be the first time I've gone to the beach without A. I've only been one other time without her in my life and that was when I was 10 or 11. I wish she could go with us.

A Month Ago

A month ago today I said goodbye to you. I miss you like crazy. I really felt your absence this week with your uncle being out of town and me being on Spring Break. I really miss you. I wonder if you miss me too.

I've finally started picking up your things. This is so hard for me to do. It's as if I am coming to terms with you being gone, and I guess as some point I really have to, regardless if I want to or not. I boxed up your toys this week and took your play area down. I really needed a better workspace to help me with my school work, but if you come back, I promise I'll put it all back up in a heartbeat.

I did sell the desk I bought you last year. I didn't want to let it go, but I have to start some where. I sold it for $20. I'm going to put that in your college fund.

I hope your happy and content where you are. I'm full of anger at the situtation still. I think you should be in school right now. It pisses me off your mother thought so little about you that she would rather you be out of school and bouncing between family members as babysitters. I'm so fucking sorry I failed you. I really tried. I tried as hard as I could, but it wasn't good enough. I pray God gives you the strength to fight life back like I've always done. No matter what life throws your way, no matter what parents you've been given, I hope you fight back.

Whatever happens, remember one thing sweetie, remember it's never your fault. We can't control the adults in our lives and the decisions they make even though it can effect our lives forever. If only they weren't so selfish.

Stay strong babygirl. I hope I get to see you again soon. xo

Spring Break Is Over

It's funny how fast the days fly when your sleep is messed up and your slightly depressed. Ever since I had to pull the all-nighter on Sunday into Monday for NYEBoy, my sleep has been screwed up. It was bad enough pulling the all-nighter, but I really don't sleep well with NYEBoy gone, much less A, too. I've been sleeping from about 6 am until 2 pm after spending several hours tossing and turning.

I haven't done hardly any cleaning or school work like I had planned to. I did spend three days rearranging my office. My brother was nagging at me about wasting my time with the office, but what he doesn't realize it that it was so hard for me to do this. I knew it was time to rearrange the office, but this meant I was boxing up her things, too. I took my time. When I felt angry or anxious, I stopped or pushed through, whichever seemed appropriate at the time. It's done though. I still need to tidy the shelves and things, but I already feel lighter.

NYEBoy's flight will be here in a few hours. I haven't touched the laundry or kitchen since he left. I'm mad at myself about that, but luckily he couldn't care less. Hopefully I'll at least get one load started and the kitchen cleaned before he gets home, but even if I don't, I'm not beating myself up over it too much.

I guess we all deserve a lazy week every once in awhile. I'll be spending the next few days writing the papers I intended to write earlier this week and spending the evenings in NYEBoy's arms. I'll be so glad to have him back home and to have my sleep back to normal.

40 Days

We had our Lent service yesterday evening. As I was lying in bed trying to think of something to give up the night before, I struggled to think of what it should be. I already gave up Coke in December. After tossing and turning it came to me. I've decided to give up all drinks except water and milk. If you know me, you know I love my beverages. My two vices right now are frappuccinos and sweet tea. I know they are better for me than coke, but it will be a challenge to give them up.

When fasting for Lent, you sacrifice Monday-Saturday with Sundays off. This is doable, for sure. It will be hard, but that is the point.

Did you give up anything for Lent?

Trouble Sleeping

I can't sleep for shit this week. I knew I wouldn't be able to. I never sleep very well with NYEBoy out of town. Luckily, it doesn't happen very often, but with A gone too, his absence is really felt. Our room seems so big and empty. His side of the bed is empty. Her bed is empty. My heart is empty. I wish my head was empty so I could sleep. Alas, I toss and turn. I play on the iPad. I flip the channels. I think about all of the household chores I really need to do. This of course leads to me thinking about all of the school work I really need to do, too.

If I can't have her home, I need him home. He wants to be home, too. He's sick, horribly sick. Despite feeling like utter shit, he misses me. Why? I'm not sure. I'm such a grumpy bitch. Poor guy gets the brunt of all that stresses me, which is a lot these days. I really love that guy.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. It's 4:30 am and all I can think about, is that if I can't sleep, chickfila opens in an hour if I can stay awake. MMmm. Chick-n-minis and sweet tea. Speaking of sweet tea, it's Ash Wednesday. We have a church service tonight at 7. I think I know what I'm giving up for Lent. I'll explain more later. It sounds like a "good idea" now, but if I get some sleep, I don't think it will. Ha.

Boxing Them Up

When A left, I only packed the toys I thought she would play with since I knew I would never see them again. Everything else I kept in her bookcase either to box up or to resell.

After a month of walking past the empty area that was her play area, I've finally had to urge to rearrange my office. In order to do that of course, meant I was going to have to box up her remaining toys. This isn't an easy thing for me to do. In fact, I started cleaning my bedroom the other night, but I had to stop before I got to her bed.

I made it through. Her things are boxed and taped sealed.

It sucked.

It sucks.

It really sucks.

It really, really sucks.

I really miss her.

Febreeze + Gain

I am postponing my Spring Cleaning post until later in the week. However, I still have cleaning on the brain.

While I was at the store the other day, I came across something that literally took my breath away. Febreeze and Gain apparently hooked up and had a baby.



I may or may not have bought four bottles. I'll never tell.

The most awesome thing about thing about this spray is that you can pretend you worked hard and did laundry all day with just a few sprays!

If I could safely ship these bottles, I would totally do a giveaway on this! But, since I can't, just go buy a bottle! You'll thank me later. Click here to get you some coupons!

The Poem *Updated*

Here is the poem I wrote and will be reading tomorrow during our church service.


I’m missing a piece, it's clear.
As I fight to back each tear.

I walk around in a daze,
slightly hoping it never fades.

If I pretend she's coming back,
I could avoid this anxiety attack.

But reality is quickly felt,
when I realize the decision was dealt.

She's not here to hold my hand,
none of this was ever planned.

Her empty car seat is in the back.
And all of her clothes are missing from the rack.

Her bed lies empty,
As does the heart inside of me.

She's supposed to be in school,
all of this is just cruel.

I miss her hair,
And the way she walked with flair.

I miss her hugs,
I miss her kisses.

I miss her more every day,
more than words could ever say.

[Update] I read this poem to myself several times out loud. I thought I was in the clear. I can do this, I thought. Once I got up to the stand, I only made it through six lines before I nearly lost it. My lips and body were shaking. I took a deep breath and bit my lower lip, hoping to not burst into tears. I finally made it through it. I'm not sure why I thought I wouldn't do this. I greatly underestimated my emotional state.

Spring Break 2011

I don't know about you, but I have a lot of plans for Spring Break 2011. With NYEBoy leaving on Monday for a conference in Califorina, we're spending the first few days together.

After I drop him off at the airport on Monday, I have the most fun plans of all. I will be spending this next week cleaning my house and writing papers for school. I have a four page paper to write on the cost of fertility treatments for Biology. I have a four page paper to write on some article I haven't even read yet for P0sitive Living. I have to get started on a 10 page paper I haven't even picked a topic for in the same class. I have to narrow down my idea for my English paper. I have to study for my History test. Oh, and I have to get together some things I have for an oral presentation on |-|PV.

I'm pretty sure I'd rather be in California with NYEBoy. Or Miami with my BFF. Or TN with A. Instead, I'm going to try to keep my head above water by staying busy with school work.

What are you doing for Spring Break?

Drunk Bowling, FTW!

What's better than going bowling and getting completely wasted?



Going to Waffle House afterwards.


And now? I shall go to bed and sober up!

Spring Break 2011 has begun!

A Month Ago

Has it really been a month, almost exactly to the hour, that we got the bad news? Apparently so. I'm still in denial. I know it's going to hit me next week when NYEBoy is out of town and I have no school to go to every day to keep me occupied. I do have a girlfriend who has offered to come over and my pastor told me we could have breakfast or lunch, so that should help a little bit. Saturday will mark three weeks that she has been gone. Craziness.

I think I am going to go work on the poem I wanted to read at church on Sunday. Hopefully it won't start removing the fog. I like it down here. I just want to focus on the next twenty feet, not down the road.

First Purchase With A Credit Card

Do you remember your first credit card? I do. Mine was for Goldsmiths, which was later bought out by Macys.

My first purchase using that card wasn't for bags of clothes, but rather a wicker laundry basket.



I can't remember why I had to have it, other than being sick of the piles of clothes I had as a teenager, but whatever the reason, I couldn't wait to get a cheaper basket anywhere else, I had to buy that one. I spent $50 on that laundry basket. With the exception of that one piece missing on the front, it has held up pretty well.

I don't own any credit cards currently, and don't plan to in the future, but I still remember my first purchase.

Do you remember getting your first credit card? Do you remember what it was?

Birthday Month

Today marks the last month that I will be twenty-six. At the end of the month, I will turn twenty-seven. By the time my mother was twenty-seven, she had two children. I've never wanted her life, except maybe the ability to actually have children, but I am not where I thought I would be in my life by now. I've been saying this for several years really and at some point, I am going to have to move away from "where I thought I would be by now" to "where I think I will be in the future". And that may change too at some point, but that's okay. Life changes our plans for our life. We say left, it says right. We say stop, it says go.

My life isn't perfect, and with the exception of a gaping hole, I am happy with my life currently. Sure, I wish I were a mother by now and had that happened on the first try, I would have an almost five year old, but I'm not and that is okay, too. If I would have a had a child on the first month of TTC, I probably wouldn't be in college. I for sure wouldn't be with NYEBoy.

I may not be where I thought I would be as I turn twenty-seven, and I may be battered and bruised in ways I never thought possible, that is okay. Twenty-six proved to be one of the hardest, inspiring years of my life. I did things I couldn't do at eighteen, like get my GED and go to college. Hell, I did things my sister couldn't do at eighteen, like be the best parenting figure A has had in her four short years.

There's something to be said for twenty-six, but I'm cautiously optimistic about twenty-seven.