(Un)happy Halloween

This was our first Halloween since the custody case.

It's my first Halloween ever without A.

I wonder what we would have dressed her up as?

Would it have been something funny like the year I dressed up as a spider and she went as a can of Raid? or the year after that when she dressed up as an Obama supporter to piss off my Republican family?

or would she have wanted to do something girly like last year?

Who knows. We'll never know.

NYEBoy has been working a lot (big project at work) so he didn't get home until very late tonight. Instead, my brother and I passed out candy for awhile and I even dressed up his dog as a witch.

I hope A had fun tonight, I wish I could have been there she could have been here.

Keeping My Kisses To Myself

NYEBoy has been sick for about a week, but he's been so busy at work that he hasn't been able to escape to the doctors office yet. Well, apparently I kissed the boy (and I liked it!) and now I have his cold.

I missed church this morning because I'm so exhausted. I have a shit ton of work to do over the next week or two, so I really need to not get any worse.

And seriously? That's the last time I get near that man with a sniffle! I need to learn to keep my kisses to myself...

Almost Time Again

I looked at the calendar today and I realized it was almost time to go back to the doctors office again.

Within the next seven to ten days,

I will know the results of the tests we ran last week...

I will know if I'm headed for a specialist...

I will have that appointment scheduled...

I will also have given more blood to see how the new medication and my liver are getting along.

I try not to think about the what-if's, but it's hard not to.

It's hard not to think about how the results of these tests will effect school and my life.

I'm praying for a break in the bad news. I think I've received enough in 2011.

Four Away

Registration for Spring classes opens up Monday.

I've been struggling hard this semester.

I went through a custody case and made better grades than I have this semester.

I guess that's because I didn't go through a miscarriage before going through the custody case.

It's all added up.

It's been a hard 15 months or so.

Today I met with my professors and an advisor to see what I need to do about the remaining credits for my degree.

Apparently I'm not a total loss for this semester yet, but it's close. If I can snap out of it and buckle down (Think: Miracle.) I can pass my classes without ruining my GPA. There's only two more weeks to drop classes.

After speaking to the advisor, I realize I can taste the finish line. As in, I'm only four classes away from graduating and heading to the university after this semester.

If I can survive.

So, I have a goal.

Goal = To survive.

I'll be bursting my ass for the next two months to ensure I pass these classes and continue forward.

If all goes according to plan, I'll be taking two classes in the Spring and two classes in the Summer and then I'll be done.

Wish me luck.

Say a prayer.

I'm totally going to do this.

I hope.

I can do this.

Just watch and see.

Six-a-day Twice

For the past two days in a row, I have rode my bike six miles.

As in, I purposefully got on my bike with the intentions of exercising.

And rode.

For six miles.

Well, for three miles.

Then, I turned around and came back home.

And that made it six miles.


And yesterday, I came home and played basketball with my brother for 45 mins.

And today, it was tennis.


WHO AM I?

What did I do with ME?

Let's see if I'm dead tomorrow.

$75 Chicken

I used to be a member of Sams Club up until K started working there last year. After she started working there, then the custody case happened and I just kind of put Sams out of my mind. It wasn't a source of good deals as much as it was a reminder of where K met the bitch that drove the getaway car that night.

Well, I got a really big craving for Sams rotisserie chicken like mad today. So, I renewed my membership. For a $5 chicken.

It's a lot like Target, you can never get out of that store without breaking the bank.

I came home with a bunch of other shit I didn't need until I saw them. (Funny how that works.) What? It's not MY fault I didn't know I needed a Red Velvet cake cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. Ooops! Wait. You need one now, too? Sorry.

It's funny how that $5 chicken ended up costing us $75.

Totally worth it.

Footloose

Two weeks ago, I told my girlfriend I would take her to see Footloose for her birthday. NYEBoy would NEVER go see this movie with me, but I really wanted to go see it. (For the record, I've never seen the original.)

I ended up having to push our date off because she went out of town the first weekend it was out, and I had a ton of studying to do the next, but we were finally able to go today!

It was such a cute movie! Even if Julianne Hough played the only teenager I know with wrinkles! LOL (Totally not hating btw since I'm a smidge older than her, but I'm also not playing a 17 year old in my 20's!)

Neither of us had lunch before we went, so we gorged on popcorn and coke the whole time. I could feel the butter coating my veins with each bite. Totally worth it, by the way!

My Life Story

Today I had a group of women from church in our W0mens Life Stories group come over to listen to my story.

I had mentioned to my mother about the group a few weeks ago, and recently told her it was almost my turn to share mine. Her response? That's great, but make sure you say some good stuff, too! I had to laugh.

I hadn't given much thought as to what I was going to say until about an hour before hand. Partly because I didn't want to get depressed or sad about anything heading into our weekend away with NYEBoy, but also because I've been so busy trying to get caught back up at school.

After we finished tidying up the house, I sat down at my computer and jotted down a page worth of things I knew I didn't want to forget. Funny enough, I barely looked at it the entire time.

I was able to share my story, not in enough details in some areas as I would have liked, but apparently it made an impact as the words they said to me afterwards made my heart smile.

A few people hinted about being interested in my blog, so I shared it to them. It can't be too much worse than knowing your family reads your blog, right? Lol!

It's funny, my blog readers (women) and these women have shown me more love and respect as a woman than most of the women in my family have.

There are a lot of strong women out there. It's been a pleasure getting to know some of them (you).

Happy Birthday To NYEBoy!!

Happy Birthday to the best spouse a woman could ever ask for! I love you so much!

What do you get the man who can buy himself (almost) anything he wants? Two shirts and a video game. LOL

Oh, and a Dairy Queen cake because apparently, that's what he gets every year. Even though the one year I bought him one, he only ate one slice. He better eat more than once slice this year or I'll never get him one again. I think they are gross.

I'm glad we were able to get away for the weekend and spend some much needed adult time together. Hopefully I can do something big next year for his 30th. How the hell are we almost 30 years old? OMG!

We've been through a lot in the past year-a custody case, losing A, moving, and a miscarriage. I hope this next year is a lot less heartbreaking. I love you. xoxo

Sneaking Out of Town

We desperately needed some alone time together. Between my brother living with us, the miscarriage happening a week after he got here, and big work projects at NYEBoy's job, we've both been abnormally fussy with each other.

Since NYEBoy's worked for two weeks straight with no days off, we decided to get out of town for his birthday weekend.

We snuck away to Jacksonville to visit the zoo and spend some adult time together. (We had a Memph!s Zoo membership back home, so it's been several years since we've been to a real zoo. We loved the zoo back home!)

Before we could even get out of town NYEBoy's boss needed something fixed, so we stopped by a McDonald's.

Our first visit was to the stork. Since he won't bring me a baby, I went to him. Of course, I left without a baby. What a jerk.



Before we traveled too much more, we decided to get some lunch since the drive was three hours long and I needed some soda. (Diet, what?) NYEBoy said "So, I've never seen soda in a starbucks cup. Um, okay." LOL I know they don't do straws and such because of the animals, but I'm glad to finally see a zoo who has lids! I loved them.



After lunch, we went exploring. We saw dead frogs.



Or not.



One of my favorite pictures I've ever taken of animals was of a giraffe at the Memph!s zoo. I wish I still had the picture. I always try every time we see giraffes, but I haven't had much luck. Even still, they are still cute.



Snakes on the other hand? Not so much.



We even got to touch sting rays!!




After several hours of walking, we headed to check into our hotel. At first glance, everything seemed pretty nice.



And then I laid on the bed to watch tv.



WTF? Really?

Everything went swimmingly until we got a phone call from my drunk suicidal brother during dessert at The MeIting Pot. SIGH.

And Back I Go Again

In between my first and second class this morning, I got a phone call from my doctors office. I knew something was up because A.) they never call this early and B.) I was just there a few days ago.

She told me my liver is elevated and she wanted me to come in today.

I ended up leaving school early and having my brother take me. He bitched the whole way there. (It's 30 mins away and he didn't believe me that the doctor didn't want me waiting. Whatever.)

She drew more blood and ran a few more tests. We expect those tests to come back negative/normal, so she'll refer me to a specialist in two weeks when I go back.

If you can spare a prayer, I'll take one.

Of course, I'll keep you all updated on what she says.

If it's not one thing, it's another. Le sigh.

Baby M's First Pumpkin

After seeing Jenn get her little pumpkin a little pumpkin, I had the urge to get Baby M a pumpkin, too.

I Heart Hart

Can I tell you a secret?

I am in love with the show Hart of Dixie. First of all, I love Rachel Bilson. The O.C., anyone? Second, I love some of the WB shows like Dawson's Creek and One Tree Hill, and I was hoping this would be similar.



If you haven't been watching it, you've got to check it out. Then let me know what you think about it!

Is anyone else as addicted as I am? Anyone else secretly hoping Hart and Tucker will hook up? I love me some Wade, too!!

Another Appointment

I had another doctors appointment today, but it was just to draw some blood. I had to get my liver checked before I start a new medication that can mess with my liver. I'll be taking it for three months and we need to monitor my levels just in case.

On the bright side, I didn't even have to pull my pants down for this appointment! Woot!

Now, if anyone feels like taking a Trig or Precal test, please email me. I'm taking any and all offers.

Pink Bike

I took off school today to catch up on some studying since three of my classes were reviewing for tests in the coming days.

My brother and I had been discussing getting bikes to exercise with lately, but today we finally decided to go to a few bike shops to look at some. Apparently most bike shops are closed on Mondays though, so we stopped by a sports resale shop. As my luck would have it, they only had one bike! But that's not bad luck, it turned out to be good luck because it was a woman's pink bike!

After test driving it in the parking lot and price checking it online, we snagged it up. Add in a quick trip to Walmart for a lock and cover and I have a new (to me!) back! Yay.

I still need to get a helmet to ride on the roads, and we need to get my brother a bike, but I look forward to riding it around on the trails in my area.

What's On The Agenda?

Church.
Church.
And more church.

I'm not sure how I lucked up in having such a filled weekend, but I was either at church or at a church function four times between today and yesterday.

Yesterday we did canning in the morning for the holiday thing they have every year. I was on my feet for several hours and it killed my back. I'll be feeling this for a few days.

This morning I attended service as usual. Tonight I had a dinner get-together with the other y0ung adults in the church, but I was only able to stay about half an hour or so before I headed over to the church to meet a few people to help serve dinner at the homeless shelter.

NYEBoy didn't miss me much because he's been stuck at work since they have a conference coming up and their program is having issues. Poor guy will have worked two weeks with no days off by the time next weekend gets here.

In Honor of Our Baby M

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Tonight at 7 pm, people are lighting candles for the little ones they have lost and/or for those they know who've suffered such a loss.

I just want to thank those of you who have sent me twitter messages, text messages, and emails, no one else today offline said one word to me about our loss. It means the world to me that you care about us even if you haven't met us face-to-face.

To Baby M, I miss you more today than I did yesterday and I always will. I love you.

I Have Mice In My House!

I had big plans on decorating our place for Halloween this year, but I really haven't felt like it. I have about six bins with lights and pumpkins in the storage closet that will be sealed for yet another year. Maybe next year. Maybe not.

I saw these at Michaels the other day and I knew it was something simple, but very cute and fun for the holidays.

The pack came with about a dozen or so mice and two "houses". It was only $5 and made by Martha Stewart. Totally cute and reusable for next year.

Vagina Anxiety

Isn't it (not) funny that when you're going through fertility treatments or a miscarriage that someone looking between your legs is almost natural?

What? You want to look at my vagina? No biggie, just take a number.

During my visits to the ER and family doctor during the miscarriage last month, I didn't think twice about showing my goodies to the doctors and nurses.

But now, I'm no longer in a haze from the pain (or pain meds) and I was a bit nervous about sharing my body with the doctor today. Of course, it probably had a lot to do with the pain last time and oh, I don't know, the miscarriage.

They needed me to come in for a few tests and had a few results to go over from the last visit.

Everything came back okay on my results and they sent off for a few other things that they needed to recheck. I should get those results back in a week or two.

Can I just say how happy I am to find a doctors office down here that actually gives a shit? Reminds me of back home and working at the doctors office.

Just Thinking About Him

For those of you who have been following my blog for awhile now, you may remember me working at a Mexican restaurant for a few months last year. It was my first time waitressing ever!

What I didn't really share with you all is that the owner never paid me fair wages. I would get my tips, but he never paid me for those times when the tips didn't equal the hourly wage. He kept telling me he would "get back to me," but he never did.

The manager there normally called me every day to tell me if they needed me to come in, but a day or two passed before I realized they hadn't been calling me to come in. You know, because I was in the midst of filing for custody of my niece. Well, those days turned into a week or two, and before I knew it, I had someone calling me from the Department of Labor (I think?) and the restaurant was shut down.

I always wondered what happened to the owner and the guys who worked there. Not only was it our favorite Mexican restaurant, I was very close with the guys/gals who worked there. (Except for the owner!)

Wouldn't you know it, that I was at Walmart today, talking away on my cell phone, someone came at me with his hand waving in my face saying "'ELLO! 'ELLO!"

It was the manager from the Mexican restaurant! I was so happy to see him that I hung up my phone and hugged him. I asked him what he had been up to and what happened to the restaurant. He told me the owner didn't pay them either, so he filed a complaint. He's now working at the same place. I noticed it just recently re-opened under new management. I can't wait to stop back in for dinner soon.

If Sperm Could Dress Up For Halloween

...clearly they would dress up as ghost with jazz hands.

Duh.

A Month of Missing

A month ago, I got my first cramp.

A few days later, I would realize that cramp wasn't just a cramp.

It was the end of a dream, a stab to the heart. It was over before it even began.

I don't remember how bad the pains felt exactly, but I do remember being in a fog because of them. And of course, there are several nearly empty bottles of pain pills with my name on the label in various places around the house, the kitchen cabinet, the bathroom, my office. Suttle reminders of what I was going through a month ago.

I can still see the blood, as if it was right in front of me. I've never seen so much blood.

The box holding the necklace NYEBoy bought me sits on my desk. His birthday is in two weeks. Oh, how awesome of a present would that have been?

I've been missing him/her for a month. I wish they could have stuck around longer.

I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them?

I'd give anything to have them back.

Table For None

A few months before we moved, I began looking for a table and chair set. I knew that when we moved, I wanted a table and set of chairs for us to have in the dining area. We may not eat that many dinners at home these days, but I miss having a dining table!

I looked online and at a couple of stores locally, but only saw one at Target that I even remotely liked in our price range. Considering we're graduating in three years and moving then, I don't want to invest a whole lot of money in furniture that we're likely going to replace in a few years.

Since I have the ladies from church coming over in two weeks for our get-together, I mentioned to the boys that I wanted to get a few things around the house finished, including getting the table and chairs. We went to Target to get it, but both boys bawked at it.

So, the boys, myself, and my girlfriend E, decided to grab a bite to eat, then we would go look at a few furniture stores for a better table and chairs set. No problem, you'd think, but you'd be wrong.

We went to about six? stores looking for a table that we all agreed on. We found sets we each liked, but none we liked as a group. I shit you not, we were out for like five hours, just looking for a TABLE and set of chairs! Holy crap. Needless to say, we ended up back at home with nothing to show for our effort.

Today we decided to go look at two more places, but ended up right back where we began, at Target. Then, we realized the box wouldn't fit in our car, so we came back home. Again. Tableless!

We're going to go back with my girlfriend this week some time to pick it up, though.

On the way home, I asked NYEBoy if he wanted to go with me to pick out chair seats, and he gave me a firm NO! He told me to have all that fun by myself. Lol!

I'll share pics with you all when we get everything set up.

Bonding Over Bowling

After spending all day looking for a table (more on that later) we sat around after my friend left, debating what we should do for the night. I seriously wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but the boys told me I wasn't allowed just yet.

We thought about going to see a movie, but my brother hates to go to movies. Then, we thought about going to play mini golf, but we also remembered there was bowling. We couldn't decide what we wanted to do, so we loaded in the car with the bowling bags and said we would make the decision as we were driving.

Well, we chose bowling. NYEBoy and I haven't been bowling in a long time, in fact, I think the last time we went bowling was with my brother when he was visiting in the Spring.

I'm so glad we chose to go bowling. We all had so much fun. I can't wait to go again, maybe even as soon as next weekend! We only played four games, but I won two of them! The boys each won a game, too.

Do you like bowling? I'll have to show you my bowling ball next time we go. (It looks really cool under the black lights!)

I'm sure I'll be hurting tomorrow!

Excuse Me While I Sleep My Life Away

Try as I might, I can't last the whole day without taking a nap. Whether it's exhaustion or the onset of a migraine, every single day this week I have come home exhausted and ready for a nap or bed.

I am almost one month post miscarriage and I still can't get through a whole day without feeling like I've ran a marathon or something. I'm taking vitamins, but nothing seems to be boosting my energy at all.

I have my follow up next week, so I am going to bring that up to the doctor.

Was anyone else still this wonky/exhausted nearly a month post-miscarriage? Any advice? (My appointment isn't until next Thursday!)

1,000 Words At A Time

When I am feeling especially down, I pull out my phone to flip through the pictures and videos I have of A.

This was taken almost exactly a year ago.

I miss those curls.

I miss those bows.

I miss those tutus.

I miss those cheeks.

I miss having ice cream with her.

I miss all of her.

Insensitive Teaching

I swear I have never met such an insensitive professor as my History professor.

Remember the first week of classes? And how I almost lost it again?

Well, I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a shit about other people. Why, you ask?

Because today she took the cake. And smashed me in the face with it.

All was going well in class, when towards the end of class, she saw a student sleeping at his desk and she walked up to him and started smacking her hands together and yelling "WAKE UP!" "WAKE UP!" "WAKE UP!". As she walked back towards the front of the room she said "I'm tired too. I was at the ER last night until 1 am, but I am here and we don't need to sleep in class."

No one really said anything. Which, duh, is a sign for her to continue on. She said, "Well, class, remember when I told you I thought we were? Well, we were, but now we aren't." Of course, this lead for half the class to start saying "Awww. I'm sorry." Which, I was, but I didn't verbalize it. And then, someone said "Why are you here?"

Her response? "Because I am a solider! It's okay. I've been blessed. I have two beautiful daughters. If we're never blessed with another one again, that's okay. But, I did tell my husband to tell his boys he has a few more months to get it together because I'm approaching 40 and I can't do this much longer."

And that lead some people to make comments like "*laughing* You right, girl you know you right." and "You'll have more. Don't worry." and there were some more but I was too busy picking my chin off of the floor and trying not to look at her with my eyes yelling "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm 5 feet in front of you and you're going on about this shit?"

Thankfully, class ended a few minutes later.

And before you say it, no I don't think I am being overly sensitive. In my humble opinion, it's one thing to not know the student in the front row has been TTC for 7 years, but it's another thing to know the student five feet away from you also just had a miscarriage three weeks ago. And even more so, there's probably a student or two in that room who you don't know had a miscarriage.

There was no need to go into the reasons why she was at the ER last night with the whole class. She got to go home tonight with two beautiful girls waiting for her. Her uterus may be empty, but her arms are not. [No, I am not saying having a miscarriage when you have other kid(s) is easier, but when you have none, its a different kind of pain.]

A Year Ago

Sometime in July it began.

"A year ago..." I would think to myself.

In July, the response was "We were waiting anxiously to see what K was going to do."

In August, the response was "We filed for custody of A." "K ran with A." "The judge granted us emergency temporary custody of A, and we both started school."

By September, I was dealing with the ups and downs that come with a custody case while I got through my first semester at college.

And by October, we were beginning to deal with our first visitation post temporary custody.

As we head in to the holiday seasons that are Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year, I can't help but think about how I wish I had gone with her to the pumpkin patch last year, or how last year we thought this year's holiday season could have been so much better. No family drama, just family.

It's hard at times. Part of me even allows myself to go to what if we hadn't had a miscarriage, what if we had just recently found out we were expecting and A was here? How excited would she have been?

And then I get back to reality.

It's not a year ago and it's not even last year's next year.

It's this year.

I'm Afraid To Get Pregnant Again

Actually, that should say, I am afraid to have another miscarriage.

Before my miscarriage, I didn't and to an extent, still don't, have any reservations about being pregnant and going to school. Obviously if health complications arise, that's a whole 'nother issue.

But, I am afraid to have another miscarriage while I'm in school.

Having to take off from school like this again will likely send me over the edge. Since we don't know what caused the miscarriage, there is even a bigger question mark standing on my shoulders.

Was it from the chromosome disorder I have?

Was it because I have something we don't know about?

Was it just 'nature'?

I'll likely never know, unless I have another one and we're able to do testing.

And that, is my biggest fear.

BREAKdown

I've been struggling for the past few weeks to deal with everything. NYEBoy and I have been fighting a lot lately, which is in part due to my brother constantly talking shit to me when NYEBoy isn't around, which then causes me to take it out on NYEBoy. But I digress, more on that another day.

Having been out of school a week, not only did I have a lot to catch up on, the classes weren't exactly stopping so I could catch up, thus the vicious cycle continued.

This year has been a hot mess. I am over it. SO, so over it.

And last night, it hit me. I cried an ugly, ugly cry. I'm talking a fetal position, scrunched-up face, abdominal muscles rolling up to your throat, nose stuffing, headache-inducing cry. You know, the one where your significant other looks at you in horror with wide eyes? Yeah. That was me.

NYEBoy sat beside me rubbing my leg, asking me what was wrong, begging me to talk to him, but all I could do was cry. I finally mustered out one line of "I'm tired. I'm just tired."

I feel like I am never going to get caught up in my classes, my house hasn't had a full clean since the beginning of September, and I am both physically and mentally exhausted.

I passed out shortly after I stopped crying. I didn't even get to talk to NYEBoy. If he's got any sense in his head, he'll get rid of my ass soon, because girlfriend's got some baggage she can't seem to carry.

In order to get a handle on my school work, I sat down with my planner and made a plan of what needs to be done to get caught up. Honestly, if it weren't for German 1 only being offered in the Fall, I would have decided to take the rest of the year off, but since I have no choice (other than switching languages) I am going to push forward.

By the weekend, I should be back on track before my next round of major tests. If by the end of October, I look like I am still struggling in one of my math classes, I will just drop it and retake it in the Spring.

I really want to do well in school, but I also feel like I don't have any time to grieve and recover from the miscarriage. It's brought back so much emotions from the custody case that I had done so well to work through.

I'm sure it won't be the last breakdown I have. We women are hormonal balls of energy. You never know what to expect from us.

Somethings Got To Change

One of the things that I loved about this place was the layout of the open kitchen, living, and loft area. The six windows let a lot of natural light in, but apparently it all came at a cost. The first utility bill came in at double our highest ever utility bill from our old place. I brushed it off that we paid for the other place 1/3 of the month in July once we moved.

That was, until, the second utility bill came in. Althought it was a smidge better, it was still very high. Paying two thousand dollars a month for just rent and utilities is insane and quite frankly, not something either of us want to do. However, we're not going to keep the A/C on 85 like all of these other crazy Floridians. We're not from around these parts, y'all. We need some a/c.

We decided the best option we had was to go invest in curtains and tint for the windows. Total cost was about $150-200, but we now have everything in place. I'll let you know how much it makes a difference on our next bill. [We did tint on the two circular windows and curtains on the single and double windows.]

Here's a peek at our living room take with the iPhone. One of these days I'll finally take picturs of all of the rooms and share them with you.