Here We Go Again

Today has been one of the top ten hardest days of my life.

This post is probably one of top five hardest posts I've ever written.

I realize people who know me offline may be reading this information for the first time, and I don't mean for you to find out this way, nor was it ever my information to share, BUT, this is MY space and you likely were never invited to read here, so I do not feel bad for one word I am about to write. Having said that, please keep the information to yourself until you hear it from the horses mouth. Hypocrite? Yes.

I found out my sister is pregnant again. I'm not sure how far along she is or any of the details as my mother hasn't told me yet, but I'm devastated. And angry. And sad. And heartbroken. And bitter. And... And... AND....

As her infertile 27 year old sister who has been trying to conceive for almost eight years, and who took this person to court BARELY a year ago for being an unfit parent, I am angry she is bringing another child into this world that she can't take care of. I am angry that our baby had to die and hers will likely live to be born. You're not supposed to wish ill will on someone but there is NO fucking good going to come from this child being born to my sister. NONE. And it's not the baby's fault, it is innocent, but a bystander nonetheless.

As a daughter I am fucking livid that my mother allowed my sister's boyfriend to live under her roof. AS IF SHE DIDN'T LEARN THE FIRST GODDAMN TIME! Especially since K is not on any birth control. She allowed my sister to spew bullshit about gang members being after them and now she REALLY has a fucking shithole to deal with. And she admitted today she was an enabler, and she's right, but instead of playing the woe-is-me card, let's put our big girl panties on and STOP enabling! A $500 IUD is a hell of a lot cheaper than a fucking kid. DUH!

As an aunt, I am so angry that this is another child that my sister can not afford to clothe, feed, or take care of. And yet? She'll keep it. She won't do the right thing and take care of it or give it to someone who will, it's another meal ticket for her. It's another leash to keep either my mother or father paying for her, because WHO on EARTH would leave this poor 24 year old HOMELESS with TWO children? If it wasn't affecting two children's lives, I would call her a genius, instead, I'll call her A FUCKING MORON!

As a child of God, I am struggling so much right now. I'm struggling with two feelings about this. The first is to be mad at God for giving K a baby and allowing mine to die. Why did I have to be the infertile one when she is so clearly not a good mother? And then I think, you know what, I HAVE a better life than her. I have been given an opportunity most people don't get, to go to school. I have a spouse that supports me financially and emotionally. I don't have a need that goes unmet. I can buy whatever I want(except a baby). I don't have to work. I am loved. I am cared for. And that is HUGE. The only thing God hasn't provided to me is a healthy, living, breathing baby, but I don't think he's forgotten me. He has other plans. I may not agree with his plans, but I have to trust they are plans that are what is best for me.

All of my feelings are reasonable emotions to be feeling, but I'm going to try my hardest not to let this bring me down and affect my schooling or life. I'm going to try to channel this energy of anger into productivity. I can't help K. I can't change K. It'll be okay to cry about this. It's okay to get mad. But, I can't let her choices have such a strong hold on my happiness.

Please pray for my sister and mother. I know my mother is devastated, even if she hasn't told me yet. I don't know what else to say, they both need major help, but I've already gone down this road with K before and I can not do it again.